How's your brain?

Kris asked me that question last week to which I responded with stunned silence. We're emerging from the fog of desperate sleep deprivation newborn babies bestow upon us. As I type this I'm having a carefully timed cup of coffee - nope, nevermind. That was an ill-timed cup of coffee and now it's 24 hours later. Seriously. I managed to get the Christmas tree up yesterday but only because I left Max crying in his crib for twenty minutes. I don't really know what to say about being a new parent except that I've seen a new side of myself that is not pretty (literally and figuratively). Cobbling together three hours of sleep in a 48 hour period will turn a person into a sobbing angry lunatic. Also my post-natal ponytail doesn't get washed nearly as much as I'd like. FYI, it looks strikingly similar to my pregnant lady ponytail and my grad school ponytail but is markedly higher than my lazy jerk teenage ponytail. Anyway, I have no intention of turning this into a baby blog but fair warning I don't have much else going on soooo...

Everyone, everyone!

Conrad's false mussel has been banned in Saskatchewan! Just thought some of you might like to keep abreast of this status.

Ok, it's a serious news story but, also, seriously? A form of life named Conrad's false mussel? I can't stop giggling.

The musclehead is sad

I think the diggles is depressed. She's recently taken to sitting by herself in the evenings instead of on Kris' lap and sleeping anywhere but her little bed beside me (mostly on the spare bed but sometimes downstairs). This is a dog that has not left my or Kris' side for her entire three and half years on this earth. Granted, this is also a dog that is famous for her martyrdom techniques. I have a distinct memory of her as a puppy retiring to her kennel with no blanket - staring at us after we cut her playtime short, by her standards. She's also been known to halt all interaction with my dad (whom she adores, as per previous post) and wait by the door to be taken home when he gets a bit "crisp" with her. She also gives great "f*** you" eye if you don't share whatever piece of food you're eating. But she's always come around and for the most part hangs out in whatever room we're in. For the last few weeks though, Kris and I have noticed a marked change in her habits and her mood. I think she's sad that I don't play with her dragon like I used to and that she's not allowed to jump all over me whenever she pleases. She knows something has changed. I wish I could make her understand that I would LOVE to get on my hands and knees and play "which way will I throw this pig" then chase her around the house like I normally do after work, but that I'm currently experiencing a barrier to this type of activity. I feel bad. I play with her as much as I can, but some days it's just not in the cards. I'm trying to be very conscious of her needs and want desperately to keep her happy when the kid comes. I don't ever want to be one of those couples that gets rid of their family pet when the baby shows up. Mainly because I love her so much but also because I'm serious when it comes to my commitments and responsibilities and I think it would be just awful to give her away. I should say that Kris still plays with her - she's not starving for attention and she gets walks everyday where she gets to eat all kind of sidewalk treats. I just think she's not adjusting to the changes in her life all that well. So any dog (or cat) owners who have some advice on keeping your pet's spirits up during pregnant/baby times, I'd welcome the help. I mean look at that face. She's brilliant!

Poor decision-making skills

Two kids, thousands of kilometers away from each other in California and the UK, dug holes in the sand, were buried alive and needed to be rescued. So I guess the lesson here is don't dig enormous trenches on the beach? A bit bizarre that essentially the same story happened a day apart on different continents. Teenagers are famous for making poor decisions - lord knows I am surprised sometimes that I made it to my 20s alive with no permanent brain damage (maybe some mild memory loss though). I'm glad these children are still alive.

All about Apples

While perusing the U of S Fruit Program's website, I came across this photo of the hugest apple I think I've ever seen. Then, I came across this blog that is all about apples. This guy's got an index of apple varieties that gives a little history and a description of the taste, texture and colour. I'm fascinated by this apple blog...you might be too. Go look at it.

Avert your eyes if...

you are easily annoyed by photos of pregnant ladies. I couldn't resist this one - Griff just loves this kid so much already.

Take Five - the Pakistan way!

Holy sh*t! If you like Dave Brubeck - watch this video. You can also see a report on the new Sachal Orchestra in Pakistan taking on jazz classics on the BBC news site here.

Ugliest Dog!

Every year Californians hold the World's Ugliest Dog contest. Contestants are mostly Chinese Crested, Chihuahuas and Pugs and they are all beautifully ugly. This year, the honour went to a 14 year old mutt named Yoda!

Here is the link to a photo of the winning dog
and
Here is a link to a gallery of some of the contestants

Don't you just want to smooch them!?

A Gentle Beast

This Father's Day we went out to Wakaw for brunch with CB's parents. Kris was floored that there were four kinds of breakfast meats that had been done on the bbq. Instant Bernhard win. Anyway, it was very kind of them to invite the entire Sawatsky/Foster clan out to eat their food and we had a lovely time. Then I suddenly collapsed into a fit of exhaustion (possibly from the three pieces of pie I ate) and we left about 3:30 to head home. Well, you may or may not know that I believe in being in the right place at the right moment and I think my pie coma happened precisely so this next part of our day could unfold. Two blocks from our house at the corner of Taylor and Lorne we stopped at the four-way stop. To our right was an 80-100lb black lab sniffing around in the grass. We made eye contact. Kris, bless him, didn't move the car because he knows what to do in this situation: stop the car and wait patiently while I attempt to a) identify if the dog's owner is in sight and, if not b) coax the dog into our car. He knows me well and abides my urge to save all lost animals I see. I love him for it. So, I got out of the car and the dog immediately walked towards me, then past me, then into the open car where he pluncked himself down on the floor of the front passenger side like we were late picking him up and he'd been waiting for us all afternoon. I sat in the back for the two blocks back to our house.

Griff, as you can imagine was extremely displeased. She is not the most gracious host and followed Sampson the lab around the yard and house howling at him. Sampson was very calm and completely ignored her, peeing in all her favourite spots. I feel a bit badly for Griff - this is the fourth lost animal in the last two years I've forced her to deal with, though I think she actually liked that orange cat from last summer. But anyway, Sampson had a tag and his owner came to fetch him within 20 minutes after a few cookies and some water. It turns out he only lives a few blocks from us. Good old Sampson, the gentlest dog I've ever met.

An open letter to our marriage

Dear marriage:

You've been in our life for 4 years today. People always told us before we met you that you were hard to deal with sometimes, required massive amounts of attention and compromise and that you would eliminate any "mystery".These are all true things. What they didn't tell us is that you make our houses or extremely cramped one-bedroom apartments next to the methadone clinic a home. You make sitting on the couch or walking the dog a date night that, incidentally, doesn't cost us exorbitant amounts of money. You make preparing Saturday pizza together the highlight of our week. They didn't say how you create a sometimes supernatural telepathic line between us that often eliminates the need for words or that you make the load of shit that piles up in life lighter by half. And they definitely didn't tell us that you would make us stronger, better people who can hold the other up when they need some help, who celebrate each other's little victories with the same enthusiasm as we do our own, and who try hard everyday to love and not hurt each other to the very best of our abilities. Marriage, you're not always easy, but you're always awesome. So thanks.

This is a bit cranky, but...

So I had my first uninvited "I'm going to touch your body because there's a baby in it" experience at work this morning. I know that people mean well, but I'm not sure why being pregnant equates to a free for all in gut-rubbing. I don't touch other people's guts generally, but especially not without permission. Here's a tip, pregnant ladies don't want you to touch them. Our rib cages have expanded by several inches, our stomach muscles and ligaments are sore from stretching, our skin feels tight and also, many of us have some bladder control issues in our current state. This makes us physically uncomfortable and really not great candidates for stranger touching. Also, at this point in my pregnancy, you're probably not rubbing the baby's head, as I'm sure you imagine. It's more likely that you're rubbing my intestines that that have been forced out of position.

Here's a line that I heard somewhere (of course I can't remember where). It's good rule:
Do you love me? No? Then don't touch me.

*I want to make a note that the father of my child (the magnificent Kris Foster) and all other members of our immediate families and close friends are exempt and can touch my intestines anytime they want.

What a week!

This turned out to be a pretty good week. First, the fam made their way from Grande Prairie for a good long visit. Cormac is an awesome walker, giggler and high-five giver now. Also, the cutest peanut ever to grace you with his presence.

Also, the vintage super-dad shirt that I scoured the internet to find for Kris arrived the day before this Canada Post strike business started AND it fit him perfectly.

THEN, I just about had a meltdown this morning when I discovered that Kathy Griffin is coming to Saskatoon in October. Holy s#%t! You don't even know what this means to me. I never thought I would ever see her live and I am like a mad woman right now waiting for tickets to go on sale.

And finally, I got an email from Oxfam - apparently they're giving me $1.3 million! I mean, I know I'm really hungry lately but I never expected such a show of support from an international non-profit agency. Pret-ty pret-ty pret-ty good!

Quite the menu!

Today Griff's "cuisine" consisted of not only her kibble, but some underwear, a rotten piece of sidewalk cheese, a flattened mummified mouse and a dead worm which she ate while rolling around vigorously in other dead worms. Sometimes being a dog parent is really disappointing.

How do I tell the dog?

I cried at a funeral caravan the other day. I don’t know who died – I just passed a hearse and a bunch of sad people on Clarence and got all teary. Why? Because I’m a sympathetic person, but also because I’m pregnant and feel like an amazing lunatic all of the time. I also cried watching Disaster DIY.

Yes, for those of you who didn’t know a human being is gestating in my abdominal cavity, now you do. Set to emerge and "step on my dreams" (thanks Louis CK) sometime in November and genetically predisposed to love perogies, Doritos and tv but we’re hoping for more, of course.

I’m not planning on posting a whole bunch about being pregnant (mostly because it’s actually really gross and you probably don’t want to know the details about how uncomfortable I am all the time) but also because it’s not all that interesting to anyone other than me. The interesting part is the baby – and even they’re not that interesting until 3 or 4 months out in the world.

Anyway, I feel ready to be a mom and extraordinarily unprepared to physically give birth – blegh. Talk about gross. I’m now kind of wishing bff Mary had kept her resident tales of the delivery room to herself. All I can think about are scalpels and vacuums…not cool man. Not cool.

Garlic Sauce!

KTF and I went to the Lebanese Kitchen for lunch today (I would tell you it's on Emerson Street just off 8th, but nobody knows where Emerson is because it's only one block long - so instead I'll tell you that it's across the street from Taco Time and beside A&W).

It was very tasty! We had to wait about 15-20 minutes for our food which was mildly irritating since I'm used to Shawarma King where you're in and out in exactly two minutes. But - the food was great. No pink pickled turnips, but the garlic sauce was awesome and the regular pickles made it tangy, so I was happy.

The best part was the old guy who greeted us, asked if we were familiar with Lebanese food and then proceeded to explain everything on the menu to us in detail. He doesn't do anything else - his wife (presumably) was in the back cooking and his son (presumably) was in the front also cooking. The first time I went into a Lebanese take-out I had no idea what to do and felt like a super white idiot, so for first timers the detailing is a good thing.

Somebody help me out here

I'm so confused. The Americans might not be able to agree on a budget by midnight tonight which would result in all federal public services ceasing to function and federal workers not getting paid (except elected officials of course)?! I don't understand. When our budget doesn't pass, we have an election but I can still do things like file my taxes which will still be processed by the CRA, regardless of whether we have a government or not. What the hell America??? I need an American to explain this to me.

Also, I feel really bad. A woman stopped at a cross walk for me right outside my office and then was immediately rear ended by some idiot who was totally tailgating. Admittedly, it's a crappy crosswalk, hidden around a blind corner where people routinely go 60kmh (in a 40 zone). Shitty way to start the day - for her, not me. I still got my latte from the Starbucks across the street.

This is nice.

Stop reading about radioactive waste water being pumped into the Pacific and watch this video of a dog, adrift off Japan's coast for three weeks, reunited with her owner instead.

How long was I out?

The last month or so pretty much blew - work sucked, my mom had her gallbladder removed after going into emergency in the middle of the night then spending five days waiting for surgery, and I contracted the worst intestinal virus of my life that killed me for 10 days. I feel like I've just woken up from a bad times coma.

But, it's April now, everyone is fine and suddenly the torrent of shit has passed at work so I can breathe again.

So I'll start with showing you this little shoe I crocheted (a pattern pilfered from the internet). I made a second one to match, fyi. These ones I think will go to the little Belgo-Canadian expected in June.

Put a bird on it!

Watch this! It's Fred Armisen!

Well this is just rude

Thief steals coat off dog's back

Some jerk took this poor dog's winter coat. Really? I had this misconception that the kind of people that put coats on their dogs are not also the kind of people who steal coats from dogs. But obviously someone saw the coat and thought "Oh, my dog would look great in that!" I'm glad (at least) that this rudian didn't take the dog too.

I'll take Radiohead for $800 Alex...

What is Thom Yorke's version of standup comedy?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cfOa1a8hYP8

Here I go...

Mostly I try to be lighthearted on my blog because there's a lot of bad news around and also I think that I can be pretty funny sometimes - no one laughs harder at my jokes than me!

But as I get older I appreciate more and more what our mothers and grandmothers have done for future generations of girls and women and am also reminded that we have so so far to go. It seems to me that everyday I read some news story or overhear some remark that negates my contributions to the world for the simple fact that I sit when I pee. So I've resolved to start posting some instances of irritating, enraging and often ludicrous examples of why women and the men who love us should never stop being feminists. If you stop, then the forces that would (and do in many parts of the world) keep girls uneducated and unable to be effective members of society will incrementally take that power back.

First up, at a forum to discuss how to stay safe at York University, which seems to be the rape capital of Canadian universities, a police officer told the audience not to dress like sluts to avoid being assaulted. It's not their fault - perverts just can't turn away from cleavage and a mini-skirt.

Cop apologizes for ‘sluts' remark at law school

The JLA watches me bathe...

We made these shadow boxes ages ago and finally put them up. Green Lantern watches over the stairwell, the Flash and Wonder Woman watch TV with us, and Martian Manhunter, Superman and Batman make sure I don't drown in the tub. I had Hawkgirl up to watch the front door but I guess Kris isn't her biggest fan so she's relegated to watching over some old papers.

News of the Day

Politics: So a Belgian Senator is proposing (in jest) a sex strike until a new government is formed. I guess they've had no government for the last eight months. What?! Who's running the show? Bizarre, but even more bizarre is the notion that sexually frustrating the entire population will somehow result in a government. I think it would likely just result in A LOT of masturbation.

Your health: Syphilis - maybe you do and maybe you don't. Who knows - testing apparently isn't up to date. Hundreds of relationships were ruined in the states when faulty testing resulted in false positives. Can you imagine how many cheaters with syphilis are using this news to their benefit right now?

Hollywood: Apparently, ScarJo is hooking up with Smug Sean Penn. Seriously? This makes me want to throw up my stir fry. She went from Ryan Reynolds who, while admittedly having too much of a baby face for my liking, has a rockin' bod to basically leatherface. Blegh. What's up Scarlett? He's like your dad's age and I'm pretty sure he sleeps in a dehydrator every night. You're gross now - way to go.

The Fosters: Kris is making us paint on the upcoming long weekend. I plan to somehow sabotage my body so that I am incapable of making an up and down motion with my arms. Suggestions are welcome.

This one is for my BSGers

Ok this is a serious issue, but the giggles just can't be contained.

CBC News - Saskatchewan - WATCH: Fears about fracking

What's in a name? So many jokes, that's what.

I think they made the right decision.
 
Ex-mayor's name too funny for Ind. center

The risks you run watching bloodsports...

Here lies Jose
Killed by a cock

Man killed by armed bird at cockfight

What it's like in my world

Via email:

Hi Sally. I'm looking for this information.

Reply:

Oh, no! I can't give you that information! It's not my job to give you that information and now I must copy 10 people on this email to demonstrate to them that you did not ask the right person for this information. It is someone else's job to give you that information.

Reply from third party, copied on first reply:

Oh, nobody in the whole world has that information. You can never know it.
--------------------------------

Le sigh.

To the future...and beyond!!!

I got my brand spanking new driver's license today! In addition to implementing a one-piece license this year, Saskatchewan has also built an aeroport AND has recently hooked into something called the "Internet". We're on our way world!

Joking of course, I love my homeland. Saskatchewan is the bomb!

Daily Reflections

Yesterday, as Dawdles and I went for our after-work walk (she needs to stop at every spot of yellow snow, no matter how small) I reflected on my day. Here's what stood out the most:

Each morning I get coffee from the cafe across the street. Generally, the staff at this cafe are 19 year old girls who hate everyone, listen to top 40 and have conversations about who they would or would not bone. Recently, however, a delightful brunette has joined the coffee bar staff. She's really nice so I make a point of asking how her day is and tipping her regularly. Then yesterday she tore my heart out a little. As I stood at the counter waiting for my coffee, we had the following conversation:

Brunette: Question for you.
Me: Sure.
Brunette: Do you know if Outlaws is busy on a Wednesday night?
Me: [Long pause] I really have no idea.
Brunette: Do you know anyone that would know? I have my first shift there tonight.
Me: Ah, nope. Sorry. Good luck though!

So for those of you who don't live in Saskatoon, Outlaws is our fair city's newest Country Rock slut fest bar where at some point patrons are likely to be drugged, step in vomit and/or be stabbed in the parking lot.

For the record, here is a list of places I frequent:
My couch
My parents' dining room table
Superstore
My other couch
My office
The dog park
The homes of the ladies in my book club
A&W drivethru

That's it.

On another note, this video is adorable and disgusting!

Did you know...

the Tasmanian devil is being wiped out by a contagious cancer?!?!? Poor little carnivores :(
CBC News - World - Endangered Tasmanian devils flown to Australia

I can't believe I forgot to tell you...

how surprised I was to learn that the vocals for Beach House are provided by a woman. HA! I'm listening to them right now to soothe myself as I do someone else's job...

How was I to know having never read the liner notes or seen them live or bothered to look at their website? Idk.

OHMYGAAAAAAD!

Target is coming at some point in the next few years!!!

CBC News - Money - Target buys Zellers for $1.8B

30 year post

I've been waiting to be 30 for about a decade. In fact, when I started working at Cineplex at 18, I gained a friend (who is nearly exactly 10 years older than me) that identified 1971 as the proper year of my birth. I've always been a rule follower which, in our society, equates to being old. Or at least I dreaded the possibility of getting caught breaking the rules. For instance, I was always "look out" in high school when we drank in a van down by the river or when we'd play "whose pee will run farthest down the hill" - gross I know, teenagers are seriously disgusting. Anyway, here I am. 30. I have to say, when I woke up this morning and remembered it was my birthday, I let out a little sigh of disappointment. Life keeps happening whether you're looking or not and at some point I won't have anymore birthdays to sigh about. I'm ok with that, but determined to make this decade go more slowly than the last. The last 10 years or so are a blur of good and bad relationships, new and old friendships, school, mortgages, new jobs, new province, old province becoming new again, pets, people being born, people dying, people getting sick, people getting better, hope, loss, really f#%king depressing times and super awesome over the moon times and pretty much everything in between. Geez, I think I need an amaretto and ginger...

I'll close out my 30 year post with this: someone said that being 30 gives you street cred - I can't remember who. I hope that driving 40km per hour in the winter comprises street cred, because that's where I'm at.

Phew!

Congratulations to the Sask court of appeal for recognizing that provincial marriage commissioners are public servants who serve ALL of the public, not just the hetero crowd!
Top court shoots down Saskatchewan government's amendments for same-sex marriages

God Bless Jeopardy.

I forgot to mention a new discovery, thanks to Wednesday's Jeopardy episode. Apparently sugar refining involves something called "mother liquor". I was so disturbed by this (also giggled out of my mind) that I searched for the show's transcripts just to confirm. I confirmed it:

00:14:45	Steve, back to you. uh, sugar for $800, please.
00:14:50	An early process in refining is washing the syrupy mother liquor from the raw sugar in this type of rotating machine.
00:15:01	That's a centrifuge. steve.
00:15:03	, uh, sugar for $2,000, please.
00:15:05	..
00:15:07	In large factory vacuum pans, the sugar seed is mixed into the mother liquor to initiate the formation of these structures.
00:15:16	The surface regularity reflects its internal atomic symmetry.
00:15:20	, obviously, this category is too sweet for the three of you.
00:15:26	We're talking about crystals. sugar crystals.

Currently listening to...

These kids that comprise the XX are weird-looking. I think a couple of them have moderate malocclusions. Also, they look about 10 years old. But, nice voices. And cool beats.